In the past few months, the State of Alabama has certainly proven itself to be a housefly in America’s grilled cheese sandwich. With it’s anti-choice “heartbeat” legislature, and refusing to air an episode of a cartoon depicting a gay aardvark marrying a gay mouse, the southern Skynrdtopia seems happily intent to drag itself backwards like Mike Pence over a cucumber patch.
In expectation of further Alabaman de-evolution, most likely in the form of banning dancing as “The Devil’s Foreplay”, film star, seven degree genetic connection specialist, and noted Defender of Loose Feet, Kevin Bacon, has mobilized to once again hop on one foot across a barn loft if it becomes necessary. Bacon spoke candidly with the Hollywood Queefer :
“In times of great struggle in our country, it sometimes becomes necessary to cut loose. I’ve removed my Sunday shoes for the cause in the past, and emerged in victory. I’ll do it again if I have to teach old hillbillys new lessons. It’s been years. You have no idea what I’m capable of now. I’ll have Roll Tide twerking across every gymnasium floor in a weekend. Believe it, bitches. Bacon, out.”
State legislature have not, as yet, taken steps to ban the boogie, but we are forced to consider future actions in an American territory where, in the year 2019, it is illegal to play dominoes on a Sunday. So let’s hear it for the boy. And say a prayer for some southerners who may be holding out for a hero.