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Pope Francis : ‘God Will Abandon America If Trump Is Re-elected’

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Vatican City was packed with onlookers yesterday as Pope Francis stood on the Papal Promenade, delivering a speech that was half-sermon and half-political observance.  But when the 82-year old’s remarks turned to criticism of American President Donald Trump, silence suddenly engulfed the streets like when Melania is gently packed back into her shipping crate for a peaceful evening’s rest.

“The time of election is fast approaching the United States of America, where many of my children of Christ reside.  I am fearful that the least among them will fall victim again to the evil and morally decrepit creature Trump.  I believe that should he be re-elected, God wil abandon all of his blessings upon America, and may see fit to raze it down, as Sodom, as Gomorrah.”

He also took a moment to officially forgive the Doobie Brothers for telling people that Jesus is “just alright.”

Francis, real name “Jorge”, is an Argentinian, and the ninth oldest Pontiff to be consecrated.  Many of the faithful have criticized his liberal attitudes in the recent past, noting his tolerance of gays and washing of the feet of the poor.  Still more believe he is especially rough on President Trump because he comes from a country of Brown people, and we all know what the Chosen One thinks of them.

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“I love ALL colors of people. A to Z. Alabaster to zirconia.”

Well, there’s one thing that everyone knows for sure, and it’s that America is God’s country.  The Heavenly Father peers down on us with loving eyes, sitting next to us watching “Big Bang Theory” and wanting to bone Penny, helping us check the bag on the way out of the drive-thru to make sure we got a Burrito Supreme and not one of those disgusting “Crunchwrap” tampon-tacos, perhaps even gently guiding the needle while we sit proudly for a red, white, and blue American flag titty tattoo.   Real patriots know that God is with them, No matter what a glorified man-nun has to say.

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