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Melania and Barron Harrassed, Denied Service at Bennigans Restaurant

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When the First Lady and her son Barron decided to stop at a local Bennigan’s restaurant last week in Buffalo, New York for a quick lunch before jetting off for a tour of France on the taxpayer’s dime, they were greeted with a rude surprise.  Making their entrance, they were instantly recognized by a hostess, who alerted her manager.  As America’s royal mother and son waited for him to arrive, several guests of the establishment allegedly rose from their seats, shouting obscenities and attempted to throw food at the two helpless visitors.  As the manager arrived, he was confronted by secret service agents, and after an animated conversation, the First lady and everyone with her was asked to leave.

This hamburger narrowly missed Barron’s shoulder, and was instantly dealt with by David Hasslehoff, whom the restaurant employs for just such an incident.

Bennigan’s, a long-standing New England-based chain of mid-range eateries sent out a press-release shortly after the incident occurred:

“The management specialist at our Buffalo, New York location, Joseph Barron, made exactly the right series of responses to the situation.  Having Mrs. Trump and her mutant son in the restaurant was visibly upsetting to our patrons, who obviously recognize the sort of ilk that they are.  We make absolutely no apologies for removing them from the establishment, and have, in fact, made a generous donation in Barron’s name to the Elizabeth Warren Presidential campaign.  Thank you, and we’ll see you later at Bennigan’s!”

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Please bring cash. We may have gone out of business decades ago.

Several enraged conservative organizations have called for boycotts of the chain, even though, in reality, boycotts simply never work.  If a drooling Republican extra from the “Hills Have Eyes” movies actually boycotted everything the American Family Association wanted them to, for example, he’d be reduced to sitting naked in a home-made chair constructed out of lincoln logs from Hobby Lobby watching reruns of the Andy Griffith show.  There’s also the fact that Bennigan’s no longer exists.  So that right there is a hump.

Does this terrible mistreatment of Melania Trump and Ivanka’s son Barron demand a response from President Trump?  Since it’s fictional and unimportant, it does fall squarely within his known fields of expertise and commentary, like bald eagles piling up dead under windmills that cause cancer and giant cartoon walls to keep out immigrants than come by airplane.  Perhaps we’ll get a tweetstorm out of it during one of the Donald’s constipated morning constitutionals.  Either way, it’s a pile of you-know-what.

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